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An Absorbing Talk With SpongeBob

23 Aug, 2006 By: Brendan Howard

He lives in a pineapple under the sea. Absorbent and yellow and porous is he. Yes, you think you know SpongeBob SquarePants because you know his show's famous theme song — think again. We went behind the scenes to ask the world-renowned sponge deep questions — so deep, they're underwater.

HMR: How did you meet Patrick, your best-friend starfish?

SpongeBob: Patrick was seated right behind me in kindergarten (because SquarePants comes before Star).

HMR: Why do you live in a pineapple?

SpongeBob: Living in a pineapple provides me with my daily dose of Vitamin C. Plus, if I ever get thirsty, I just jam a straw into the wall and slurp some pineapple juice.

HMR: What's your dream job?

SpongeBob: My dream job is the job I have … working at The Krusty Krab. I love it so much, I don't consider it work.

HMR: Do you like Squidward?

SpongeBob: Squidward is not only one of my favorite next-door neighbors, he is also one of my oldest and dearest friends. If he says he doesn't like me, that's just an old joke he likes to tell. We kid each other all the time.

HMR: What do you like so much about being a fry cook?

SpongeBob: It's a joy to feed people, and especially when the particular sandwich in question is the Krabby Patty, the tastiest, most delicious, most nourishing food under the sea.

HMR: Aren't those sort of square shorts you're wearing?

SpongeBob: These shorts may be square, but there's nothing square about my fashion. (Besides, technically my shorts are rectangular.)

(With the niceties out of the way, we asked SpongeBob about his experiences in the fourth season.)

HMR: You've always been a model employee at The Krusty Krab and enjoyed churning out hours and hours of work. How did you suddenly develop a fear of Krabby Patties?

SpongeBob: I guess sometimes the thing you love most becomes the thing that haunts you the most. I had been eating, preparing, making, delivering, inhaling and cleaning up Krabby Patties for so long … I guess I just cracked. But now everything's back to normal except for a slight twitch in my flipping hand.

HMR: Rumor has it you and your pet, Gary the snail, got into a tiff and he ran away. What pointers can you give our readers about pet care and how to maintain relationships with their furry (or slimy, in your case …) friends?

SpongeBob: Caring for pets is a responsibility because pets are living things that need care, attention, breakfast, lunch, dinner, a clean place to sleep, blankies, a nice clean toilet and many other things. It can get overwhelming, taking care of pets, but always remember their love and loyalty outweigh any of the burdens of taking care of the little critters. And a little smidgen of snailnip under the tie always ensures an extra slimy snuggle.

HMR: Tell us about the Good Neighbor Club that you and Patrick are in. Can you tell me what makes a good neighbor?

SpongeBob: The club's full name is “The Secret Royal Order of the Good Neighbor Lodge.” Our club is devoted to neighborliness, neighborosity, neighborability and neighbornauts. And if you want to know what neighbornauts are, tough luck because I just made it up. Also, it's about being nice to your neighbors and helping them out.

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